Sunday, January 17, 2016

Trump's a candidate
Not worthy of balls insults
He's a putrid taint
My balls aged two years
Since a haiku was last penned
This year's for the balls

Friday, January 17, 2014

We are different
If everyone were the same
The world would lick balls

Sunday, July 7, 2013


She adores huge balls
with music and dance while he
adores his own nuts.



Cool parents, has he.
"How's it hanging?" they now ask
most literally.



Bullocks to the rest
who would not appreciate
his poetic gifts.



But back to the son
and the family jewels
secretly described.



"Ah, nutsack envy,"
Freud would claim to boost male pride.
Wrong again, Sigmund.



"Sing ho, dearest son,
I am humbled by your 'nads
and your poetry."



His creative use
of lingo testicular
source of step-mom's pride.



shiny and flapping,
regenerative, no less,
son's balls, father's pride.



they are unaware
his gonads and his scrotum
enjoy online fame



in his family,
genitalial haiku
shocks all but a few.



Father's extreme pride
in Son's gonadinal prose
Cannot be measured.


Saturday, July 6, 2013


My husband's huge plums,
Standard by which to compare
My lovers' balls. Shhh!


Thursday, July 4, 2013


Step-son LVFrels,
I love you even more now.
Read your balls haiku



Fearless advocate
Of students without a voice
Mr. Ball has balls.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Don't get it twisted
Excruciating nightmare
 Woke up in a sweat


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

When applying caulk
Wipe with balls for smooth finish
Great final product

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's

New Year's Rockin' Eve:
Times Square parties like crazy,
watching my balls drop.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Do not store your balls.
They will mold, rot, and break down.
Use them while they're fresh.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

glass can be obtained
used to make a container
in which to store balls

Friday, October 22, 2010

2010 less
2009 is not 2
My balls suck at math

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Been almost two years
Since the last haiku posted
Your balls are old now

Saturday, November 21, 2009

If you doubt that balls
are utilitarian
how were you conceived?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Let fly a moist fart
Your balls will experience
Aromatic bliss

Friday, November 13, 2009

Boner pill emails
Promise me a bigger dick.
Do they work on balls?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Blue smoke fills the air
Peak torque at high RPMs
My balls laid a patch

Thursday, October 29, 2009

my balls, like paper
can be folded into shapes
wondrous shapes indeed

Saturday, September 5, 2009

drew lines on paper
and called it balls on your chin
it's a good day's work
ham salad sounds good
about as good as balls paté
want soda with that?
that weed was so strong
it made my dick hit the ground
and twisted my balls
You're getting married
Get those balls clean, and ready
It's their time to shine

Monday, March 2, 2009

Oh my aching balls!
Software application's broke,
Can't be productive. =(

Thursday, January 29, 2009

ninety days at sea
me balls got salty and mean
heave, ho, thar she blows!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Balls deep in grad apps
Why do I procrastinate
by writing haikus?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

i whipped around quick
shot him in the balls again
dude will never learn

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Christmas haiku.
I got my balls a present-
A brand new razor.

Monday, December 22, 2008

While nude in the snow
My balls shrivel and harden
Not unlike walnuts

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Disgruntled deli
Don't eat any of the soups
My balls have been dipped

From want of smoothness
Once have I tried to use nair
My balls were burning


Friday, December 12, 2008

When roads get icy
Most folks will chain up their tires
I chain up my balls
You like nothing more
Than my freshly shaven balls
In your warm, wet mouth

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

my balls are twitching
i have a mean migraine
life is fucking good!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

you should fear the balls
and the judgment they might cast
all over your stuff
as a great thank-you
i'll summon the balls for you
most people love this

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I need some Advil.
Last night I threw my back out
playing with my balls.

My balls are heavy!
That's why I threw my back out
while playing with them.

Eh? What's that you say?
Oh, you've never hurt your back
playing with your balls?

Your balls must be small!
Ha, ha, ha! Your balls are small!
Everybody laughs.
Balls are the zenith
of man's civilization.
What is the nadir?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

rotten zombie balls
provide a convenient snack
for other zombies

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

if you love jesus
you'll teabag your enemies
in a righteous way

Monday, October 13, 2008

When weightless in space
The contents of my sack float
Free, like asteroids.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

these balls be dext'rous
deal cards and shoot some dice
mess y'all up real nice
balls get caught in the
breeze sometimes get swept away
like fluffy white tuft

Monday, September 22, 2008

Due to chastity
My swollen balls need release
How YOU doin', girl?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

My iron ore balls
Hang toward magnetic North.
Silva would be proud.

Oh my fucking god.
My dickhole just talked to me.
Man, I'm tripping balls.

In youth, I tanned nude
Too often! Now my scrote has
Bad melanoma.

Monday, August 18, 2008

To improve your balls
Massage vigorously with
Dr. Bronner's Soap

Sunday, August 17, 2008

quick step in the nude
balls flap and slap like klackers
your wife laughs at you
my balls lost their pep
now they're all droopy and lame
i hope they'll improve

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

cool wintry testes
lest she forget to taste me
fools may never drop

Saturday, May 24, 2008

One of the biggest
non-sequiturs you can make
is mention your balls.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My leprechaun friend
Complained of his stinky balls.
"Irish Spring don't work!"

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Why is it that we're
All so testicularly
Focused in this blog?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

When I'm old I know
My balls will shrivel just as
Grapes left in the sun

Thursday, May 1, 2008

My balls given names
On my birth certificate:
Pete and MacFarland

Saturday, April 26, 2008

When I'm having fun
My balls slap out the rhythm
Of African drums

Friday, April 18, 2008

When balls to the walls
In the halls of all the malls
The panties all falls.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

girl, if i had balls
they would be shrunken by now
from your vicious stare

-Yes and L

Friday, April 4, 2008

What time is it, man?
Half past a monkey's ass, a
quarter to his balls.


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Indiana Jones
Went to darkest Africa
To eat monkey balls

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Smiths night at Danny's
One hundred million hot babes
My balls are flustered

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Balls and shit, man. Balls!
Balls and shit, man! Balls and shit!
You're not listening.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Don't piss on my balls
and tell me that it's raining.
My balls know better.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

Dude said, "Suck my balls"
I'm always one step ahead
I said, "Present them"
Daily I jerk off 
To these balls haikus - I know, 
I have a problem

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Football, baseball, squash
Tennis, ping pong, jai alai
Wait, what's the topic?
My balls turned so blue
At the very thought of you
One stroke and I blew
drank so much coffee
that my balls started twitching
wonders never cease
how you gonna pay?
peckerhead checker asked me
go lick balls, i said
i lifted my balls
let some folks amble on through
set them down again
Yeah, play with my balls.
Play with my balls, play with my...
Hey wait, I'm not done!

Concerning women.
Some of them don't suck on balls.

Ahh, the money shot.
Give credit to the testes.
They do all the work.

My balls are too big.
They weigh me down ev'ry day.

Take your balls in hand.
Shave them with cream and razor.
It will change your life.


Friday, March 21, 2008

Locker room horseplay
A wet towel snaps my sack
Splits, balls tumble out
Give your balls a treat.
Go on, you know you want to.
Have they not earned it?

There's no need to shout.
Please, stop yelling at my balls.
Shh. You're scaring them.

Out at the Old Town,
my balls shrivel up. Way up!
Loud noise scares my balls.


Monday, March 17, 2008

Our Shark

Balls go into cage
And cage goes into salsa
Shark is in salsa


Sunday, March 16, 2008

i like riding bulls
smash the balls, flap and flail
there's nothing better

Requiem for a Space Moose

Dreaming about breasts
Big, ripe, disembodied tits
I awake, turgid


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Mandy was confused
I spoke of nachos and she
Thought that I meant balls


Lance Armstrong's Lament

When I'm feeling bored
I like to massage my nuts
Oh no! It's a lump!

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Formidable Obstacle to Ambulation

I had a bad day
Yesterday I woke up and
I tripped on my balls

Steep This....

My balls hang so low
I smack people from afar
Long distance teabags

Flesh Pearls

All the fly bitches
Want to suck on my satchel
Line forms to the right

Thursday, March 13, 2008

When I tape my balls,
I use digital hi-8.
Looks and sounds the best.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

when you tape your balls
what kind of tape do you use
i'm using scotch tape

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

does it take balls to
shoot to kill another or
is it cowardice
elefant got ballz
2 big ol' pachyderm ballz
oh where to put em


Sing it from your balls

Bush sucks Satan's balls
that is all i have to say
die in pain, fucker

"maps like, and such as"
Miss Teen South Carolina
Must have balls for brains


Sunday, March 9, 2008

I'll cut your balls off.
You hear that, motherfucker?
I'll cut your balls off.


Yo Luke:  I just read
Your haiku about the flag.
Similar balls themes!


In a time of war...

Why'd you hoist your balls
To the top of that flagpole?
For love of country.

permission granted
you may portray my balls on
your national flag

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The rape of the sack
O glittering forfex wide
Castration ensues

-Pete (thx alexander pope)
shorts in Hawaii
centipede crawls over balls
freak out, maybe die.
saturday is a
great day to take your balls out
shine'em, whatever
i have to reach down
grab up my balls with both hands
just to feel normal
he's reefin' on it
really gettin' after it
suck a nut, dude, yeah!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Pete himmed me on balls.
At least they were a dog's balls.
It could have been worse.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

zesty seafood

searched the salty sea
she swallowed man oysters whole
beneath the sea slug

-B (tnx Bub!)
prez received a call.
...national security...
something about balls....
this is how we roll
with bricks, sticks, fuckin' crowbars,
balls to the walls, man.
skipped across the lake
on two really abused balls
face-plant in hard sand
everyone's honking
yelling and making a fuss
all over my balls
forgot my balls at the park
they found their way home
Gently squeeze my balls
Strangle me a little bit
Squeeze my balls again

-jbs (thx scb3)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Batman loves big balls
Dark knight: Who has the biggest?
Cap'n America

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Albert Einstein kicks
theoretical balls in
the gnadth dimension
play call of duty
against wetballs one three three
oh,fuck he's killed me.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Sometimes, when I'm strapped,
The gat, tucked in my waistband,
points right at my balls.


My balls are stalking
Walking in their big black boots
But when will they shoot?

Hopping a chain link
Fence can be quite dangerous
Don't tear your coinpurse


Hmm... my balls sure do
Spend lots of time together
Maybe they are gay.


I'll tell you once more:
Get that shit out of my face
Or you'll lose a ball


Deuce and a quarter
From 1972
That shit has balls son


Sunday, March 2, 2008

I told her, "You make
My nuts tight." She said she did
Not know what I meant.

Roller coaster balls,
Up and down and 'round we go!
My balls just threw up.


Saturday, March 1, 2008

Almost ev'ry day
Buster hits me in the balls.
My life fucking sucks.


Friday, February 29, 2008

bee bopaloo balls
ramalama ding dong balls
dip dip dip dip balls

a twinkling iris
a majestic cornea
eye balls are balls too

damn, why do i need
a fucking google account
to write about balls?
two balls in a shell
just waiting to be tasted,
like snacks at the bar.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Super Pitfall rocks!
The music rocks. Homeboy's blue.
Are his balls blue too?


Blondie walking by,
don't think I didn't catch you
peeking at my balls.


Thirsty Balls

One Jameson please,
on the rocks, splash of bitters.
Better make that three.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

wiener goes with nuts,
like cherries and butts, hehe
haikus don't make sense.

from dana
build a nice li'l house
decorate the walls with art
and tack up some balls

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

swinging from a limb
by a rope around my balls
this is dignity
clinton has no balls
maybe she will win the race
leader with no balls
my balls are a church
people come inside to pray
save their sorry souls
i announce myself
by handing my balls over
to the guests present
that's a male plane
how the hell would you know that?
it has little balls
Stuck on 2 Down: Five
Letters - B (blank) L L S
I suck at crosswords

Monday, February 25, 2008

Russ and Pete's small balls
In my face before a test
Good Lord, they were small
On the big island
A coffee shop has the name
"Donkey Balls." Won't go.
Three straight elections
My balls voted for Nader
What a fucking waste
my eyes are my own
my hands and feet and brainstem
but my balls are yours
black market treasure
smuggled through hostile borders
sad sad tiger's balls
My coworker said,
"You've got some balls, man" because
I played Steely Dan
See the stout pitbull?
He sits like that to keep his
Balls off the cold ground

On hot summer days

During long, cold winter nights

My balls like ice cream

Give it some more gas!
Don't let the clutch out so fast!
My balls can't drive stick.

She ordered foie gras.
I offered my balls and said,
"These are pretty fowl."

They saw me and said,
"Oh my god he's got a gun!
Wait. That's just his balls."

give balls as a gift
it's the only decent thing
you can ever do
sing ho for the balls
sing derry ding dong dilly
then slap yourself thrice
these balls are magic
hairy portenders of truth
you gowna die, fool

Sunday, February 24, 2008

slap some mirrors on
dangle me and shine a light
dig the disco 'nads
drive over my balls
if you think you have the balls
we'll see who has balls
my balls could sneak up
kick your balls hard in the teeth
and take your woman
wish I had whiskers
long ones on my stealthy balls
night navigation
he reached blindly back
grabbed hairy little dog balls
leave it to Dano....
tanuki comes down
parachutes with his ball sack
from home of the gods
forty thousand bucks
could buy you one of my balls
so cheap so damn cheap!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

My balls will not fit
In a big wheelbarrow
I must shoulder them
I laughed my balls off
At your self-deprecation
They grew back bigger

Polytheistic balls

Gonad, Testicle,
Coin purse, Scrotum, Baby Brain,
Sack. Lowercase balls.

Papist Balls

Ban contraceptive.
Catholic Balls make babies.
In Balls we trust.

Agnostic Balls

I might have Balls...I'm
not sure they exist. Do you
believe in my Balls?

Zen Balls

Buddha's not attached
to his balls. He gave his to
Peter Griffin's face.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

You ever noticed
Newborns have bright red ball sacks?
like a baboons ass

I like that one part
in Funny Farm when Chevy
Chase eats those lamb fries.

My balls are so long,
I tattooed them and threw out
my measuring tape.

"How's business, Curtis?"
None of yours, you lousy prick.
Your question licks balls.

Strom Thurmond had balls.
Now they are worm food, rotting
in his racist grave.

Rappers' fav'rite balls:
murder murder murder balls,
and kill kill kill balls.

May I introduce
supplanter of all things "ball,"
... (that's your cue, Jaime)


Balls Haiku Haiku

All these balls haiku
(and, yes, I include my own)
seem a bit contrived.

Ten or so haiku
about balls right before bed.
Oh, what dreams may come!

My ball sack shriveled
when that ghost jumped out at us
in the haunted house.


Don't buy used.

A bicycle seat
saturated with the sweat
of a stranger's balls.

The best part about
America's Roller Coast:
Topsy-turvy balls.

Guess what, scientists.
That was no lunar eclipse.
My balls blocked the sun.

Santa gave me coal
for being naughty this year.
Last year, I got balls.

Could you spare a dime?
My balls need to make a call.
They have forty cents.

Why did Princess Di
accomplish so many things?
Answer: She had balls.

My balls are stubborn.
They absolutely refuse
to stay within reach.

Royal Majesty,
in their humble servitude,
my balls bow deeply.

Popeye Sailorman,
Instead of spinach biceps,
you get wilted balls.

I fucking dare you,
dare you to keeble my balls.
Stupid Keebler elves.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Named your balls for us?
See the man who has three balls?
John Snyder, you're him.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Kevin and Betsy.
That's what I have named my balls.
Hear that, Dykemas?


I can't see but I
know that one ball is blue and
the other is green

- Jane

My balls have glasses
because they can't see very well
They are far-sighted

- Jane

My balls are partners
always doing the right thing
in crime and in love


Monday, February 18, 2008

I saw the balls on
A bull mastiff at the park
Had to look away

Saturday, February 16, 2008

a night on the town
a cincinnati bow tie
she's dressed to impress

Old Ben said to him,
"Yoda, they're after your balls!"
Old Ben was confused.

Mighty, pulling dog,
you have no balls! I have balls!
Go to the bathroom!


Friday, February 15, 2008

infecting seepage
fusing scrotal lining to
sweating inside thigh
Fuzzy, nagging things.
My balls quite resemble a
joey in the pouch.

"They are supposed to
be twins" she sighed. But my balls
don't hang that way fool.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Razor's edge

Shaved testicles

Razor's edge so close to pride

Be kind, do not slip


Not allowed at all

To write about hairy balls

At work, I must wait

Glory be to the
Father, to the Son, and to
his Holy Gonads

oh what to do, what to do?
tight...tidy whities

( )
drawing balls is fun to do!
( )


bracket space bracket
drawing balls is fun to do!
bracket space bracket
balls in a vice grip
henry rollins holds them firm
he slept on that couch.

don't have 'em so...

i drew balls instead.


ampersand tilde
curly brace curly brace dash
i drew balls instead.
getting tutored rules.
what have I been working on?
balls haiku's mostly.

Steal a camera
Crowd 'round it in the bathroom
Russ's balls are gray

Happy birthday, Lew
Relax as I give your balls
An Indian burn


political balls

one's black, one woman
both got balls bigger than bush
the future looks bright

Buster has no balls.
He was just a little pup
robbed of a future.

Do dogs miss their balls
the way a human would miss
a severed finger?

My balls LOVE to dance!
They politely decline, though.
They won't do "the twist."

at work not working
reading balls haikus laughing
it was Big Balla!


Graduate students
Sitting in lectures writing
Haikus about balls


Naked on the porch
The wind blows through my ballsack


Sick with my disease
Will they ever find a cure
For exploding balls?


Stinky smelly warm
Rotten melon in the sun
Orange interloper


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

They've grown tentacles!
My balls have grown tentacles!
It was just a dream

I've taken the time
To trim a little down there
Handsome, are they not?

No time for debate
There's blood on the bathroom tile
Get these balls some gauze

The searing pain spreads
Deep into my abdomen
I've been kicked down there

Scrotum skin pulled tight
Red and blue like highway maps
Patriotic veins

Pull my scrotum tight
Pour His blood in the hollow
Holy sack-rament


Dick Ontoast

My balls scarfed a meal.
Seyth was the guy who cooked it.
He had dick on toast.

i can hear my balls.
they ask me to turn it up.
hold your horses balls.

hey balls hit the road!
you are wasting my time balls!
sorry balls, i'm drunk.

balls love open bars.
they mingle with the ladies
extroverted balls.

dog in a bathtub
talking about my balls man
they don't fit in there.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Pummelled by the waves
Drowning in a sea of tears
Can his balls survive?

Alone in a field
A flash across the night sky
My balls strike the earth

Underneath the tree
On December 25th
New balls for Christmas

Thought she was a girl
Until I could smell her balls

Who invented Balls?
It must have been a man who
cared deeply for sperm.
Roll that shit up bitch!
She shouted like a man at
my shy smoking balls.
Five more men were killed
When will the violence end?
Only balls will tell

My pastor knelt down
He whispered, "Balls be with you"
"And also with you"

Fuck the IRS
Don't pay taxes and they will
Throw your balls in jail

Humid, humid room,
are you keeping these balls moist?
I've tried everything.

My balls are Prize balls.
Not lottery or keno:
Prize like "County Fair".

Who could guess how great
my balls look when I shower?
Would you care to see?
i fell from a great
tower, but my balls caught a
branch on the way down
one man has large balls
and another tiny ones
it's the way things go
i once had a dream
with giant red balls tearing
at my clothes and flesh
eating hard on balls
can look like a pirate ship
from the right angle

i injured my balls
and they grafted elbow skin
to my withered scrout

a dude strangled his
own balls using the hair that
grew from his own balls

two new types of balls:
double indemnity balls
and lasertoast balls

balls make life better
balls give me reason to live
balls are gift of life

my balls have a name,
endearing, yet accurate:
"trouble down below"

mike has a secret
though he hates to bring it up
it's about his balls

all i want is balls
all i think about is balls
it's a pleasant life

i said, "show me food."
he said, "i'll show you my balls."
i thanked him for hours

my balls hang low when
it's warm and when it's cold
my balls stay close to me

Monday, February 11, 2008

my balls hurt so bad.
morton andersen's down there
kicking at my balls.
On such days as these,
sorrows of a thousand men
ache within my balls.

Father says to son,
"If it were not for my balls,
you would not exist."

"wow, look at those things."
"yeah", 'sheed says "those ball's don't lie."
"no 'sheed, they do not."
I wish that my balls
had online multiplayer,
they would pown your balls.

Balls play hide-and-seek.
They can hide behind a bush
or under a rug.


Signal flare goes up,
blazing the side of the street.
My balls blew a tire.


My doink is so small
I cannot avoid pissing
All over my balls

Hawthorne wrote a lot.
Great fiction regarding balls.
Thank you, Nathaniel.
The snow storm billows.
My balls ask, "Can we go home?"
Yes, balls, we may go.
I call them my balls.
I call them my best buddies.
you can call them, Mr. Balls.

My balls can drain J's
From anywhere on the court.
My balls are on fire.

Jerry Lee Lewis
actually meant to say
"My balls are on fire!"


I have a neat trick
Wherein I lift up my balls
Without using hands


It's going to take some...
Well, let's call it character.
No.  Let's call it balls.


When my balls get drunk
They always get in trouble
With the fucking cops

my favorite part
of the lamb of god must be
the lamb of god's balls

up in outer space
balls can flop in many ways
thanks to weightlessness

all i want to do
is play with somebody's balls
in a hovercraft.

camel toe ball sack
you hang low like mama left
perk up, sad, small sack